Prioritizing Yourself

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I have been wanting to write this blog entry for a while now but I just didn't know where to start. In the aftermath of COVID I found myself on an unhealthy roller coaster of emotions. Loneliness, insecurity, and anxiety seeped through my mind like never before. I have been blessed with good mental health and never in my life had I had to deal with the repercussions of deeply rooted negative emotions. My journal entries turned sad and the way I perceived my image was negative, I started to doubt myself and my social abilities. I saw myself changing like never before. I think its also important to note here that although I didn't experience depression or high levels of anxiety I still felt a heavy weight. Before COVID I constantly preached the importance of self-worth and self-expression. A combination of isolation and the false realities of social media acted as the raft that allowed me to drift away from who I was.

In the next few paragraphs, I am going to dissect how I found my way back to myself and came out even stronger.

As a teenager, the feeling of loneliness is at times unavoidable. We crave human connection and validation like no others. My story of loneliness was a product of my own mental strength. I quarantined with my family of 6. My 3 very best friends in the world are my sisters. We have a bond that is like magic in this world. Granted, this bond insinuates that we tell each other everything, our lives are closely connected. My younger sister has a boyfriend going on a year. My twin sister also talked to some boys. So over quarantine there was a constant ebb and flow of FaceTimes and late night conversations with boys. And as this went on I found myself questioning my self-worth. Why wasn't I talking to a boy? Should I be? Am I doing something wrong? I am not going to lie, I felt so isolated. My sisters would talk to each other about their boys, I could hear the face time calls through the walls at night. It was a shitty feeling especially because I craved something new and exciting during a time of dull repetition. Not only did I feel lonely because I wasn't talking to a boy but I also felt lonely because I bottle up my emotions. I didn't talk to anyone about the extent to which this was weighing on me. I felt that I was being stupid for acting like this boy thing was a big issue. So instead, I fell even deeper down the rabbit hole. Never in my life had I allowed anyone let along myself to push me down. I have always been the strong, independent character who walks to the beat of her own drum. It's important to note here, that I have also always been my hardest critic. I criticized my body image and my facial features. I discredited my feelings because I didn't view them as a big deal. I told myself that so many people had such bigger problems and while that's true, I never validated my own feelings. No, I wasn't down on myself 24/7 every minute but I felt the negative presence. And I hated it. Then a flip switched in my brain. I was reading through my past journal entries all filled with the theme of loneliness and insecurity and I decided to embrace the feeling, accept it and find a way to fix it. I went all in, I deleted all social media, impulsively bought every mindfulness book, and started doing yoga again. I poured all my time into myself. I walked my dog every day and listened to podcasts. I fell in love with cooking again. And guess what, it all helped. I found what worked for me and I reminded myself of how capable I was at being alone. I enjoyed spending time by myself again. Look, I'm not saying that if you feel lonely or isolated go on a walk and cook something new because that's not for everyone. But if I could give any advice, go back to the roots of who you are. Find someone to confide in or do something that you enjoy but most importantly validate your feelings.

I'm not a therapist or someone who has overcome severe mental trauma. I am a teenager who is taking life day by day. After COVID, I decided screw it, I officially don't care what people think of me. Today could be my last day on earth and I am not going to waste my time caring what other people think. Granted, my brain has always been wired like that. And I mean this in the nicest way possible. Of course I am not going around with absolute disregard for people's emotions. However, I have officially decided to surround myself with people who make me happy and stop seeking validation from everyone. Because here's the reality, we spend so much time putting on this face and trying to please everyone and it's exhausting. By prioritizing the things that have made me happy, I have become a better daughter, friend, and sister. I pour into the people that make me happy and its a mutually beneficial system. Now more than ever I've learned that it's ok to not want to go to every party or dress up for every dinner but at the same time if that's what I want to do then that exactly what I will do. Or I will stay in with my parents or drive around and listen to my favorite music. Trust me I don't have this whole day by day thing down to a science. I so easily fall victim to the societal expectations of a teenager. But here's my point, when you don't put so much emphasis on the materialistic parts of society, you have more time to enjoy the actual world around you.

I'm still working on this whole prioritizing yourself thing but here's the gist. The world is filled with a whole lot of wonder and whole lot of different stories. Allowing yourself to connect with the deeper meaning of life is hard. But by putting less emphasis on the small nonchalant instances of the near future, you are opening your world to something so much more fulfilling. I know what I want in life. I want to be happy and travel the world and meet new people. I know I capable of all of those things by myself. I am reconnecting with the wonder all around me and I'm taking life day by day. It's not pretty and it's not perfect, but its working and I've never felt better.